My Fenced In Backyard and Boundaries

We are having a fence installed in our backyard. Its not a privacy fence as we still want to be able to see and interact with our neighbors on every side but at about five feet tall it is tall enough that our dog won't be able to jump over the fence. For the past month and a half, every time the puppy needs to go out to the bathroom, one of us has to go out with him on a leash. Its gotten just a bit annoying (especially on those rainy days). I can't wait to be able to open the back door and send him out knowing that he can't leave our yard and can mosey his little heart all over the place before he finds the perfect spot and all while I'm still indoors! Its amazing how a boundary, whether its a physical fence or another type of boundary can actually bring freedom once its established and maintained.

I've been thinking about and speaking on boundaries a lot recently in my personal and professional life. For one, its because I've been doing a lot of landscaping and with every garden border I dig and fence picket that goes up I can't help but feel excitement and relief. I mean is there anything more pleasing to the eye than a well manicured lawn and garden? The veggies have their defined area and the peonies and bulbs have their section and the grass is expansive but knows its limits. A garden border can make even the wildest assortment and combination of plants look lovely and intentional. So it is when we apply boundaries in our relationships with others, with ourselves, and with all the possessions and distractions this world affords us. 

For the person who is experiencing stress, burnout, anxiety or depression, I guarantee you that there have been some boundary violations that are contributing to your distress and suffering whether you are aware of it or not. 

According to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their well known book Boundaries, "Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership." In other words, it means that I understand and accept what is my responsibility and purpose and what is not. While this might sound pretty straightforward, boundaries can be unbelievably hard to establish and maintain.

Here are some examples of boundary violations: 

Are you worried about your financial situation because you recently made an impulse purchase when you were feeling down despite having an established budget? Boundary violation.

Are you overwhelmed because you volunteered to help with that project at work or school because you didn't want to let people down even though you knew your schedule was maxed out? Boundary violation.

Did you recently get pushback from a friend because you were trying to fix her problem? Boundary violation.

Are you resentful because you are one of three siblings and yet you are the only one who is rearranging her schedule to be available to take mom to doctor's appointments, necessary errands, and tend to household affairs? Boundary violation.

Are you angry because your husband is going to be gone three weekends in a row engaging in one of his many hobbies while you are at home tending to the kids and household needs? Boundary violation.

You drank, ate, said, gave, fill in the blank___________ more than you wanted/intended… boundary violations.

Here are some examples of boundary abidance:

You feel down and suddenly remember that pair of shoes you really wanted to buy, but then you remember your budget and decide to call a friend for support instead of running out to the store and blowing your budget on shoes. Yes, you have to sit with the discomfort of feeling down but now you don't have the added shame and guilt and financial pressure for overspending. Boundary abidance.

Someone at work, school, or church asks you to help with a new project and instead of saying yes or saying no with a long and drawn out defense and explanation, you simply say "Now is not a good time for me to add any additional commitments to my plate. I thank you for thinking of me but I'm going to pass for now." You might feel some guilt and self doubt (Did I make the right decision? Could I have found a way to squeeze that into my schedule?) but it will not last and you will NOT experience the longer lasting sense of overwhelm. Boundary abidance.

Your friend comes to you with a problem, something that has really upset her and instead of jumping into "fix-it" mode you listen attentively and validate her experience. Your friend feels heard and cared for and realizes she's capable of managing this problem and you are not left feeling responsible to fix anything or anyone. Boundary abidance.

Your mom calls and tells you about some upcoming doctor appointments she has. Instead of simply adding it to your calendar, you send a text or email to your other two siblings and let them know that your mom has some appointments and you ask them to handle a few of them. You then ask that there be a weekly email that everyone participates in to stay up-to-date on mom's needs and ask for equal participation. Boundary abidance.

Your husband has again made weekend plans for himself without involving you. You approach him and say, "When you make plans to be out all weekend and leave me at home with the kids, I feel resentful and hurt. In the future, I would like for us to discuss weekend plans ahead of time to ensure both you and I have time to ourselves and are able to spend time together as a family." Will there be some pushback from the husband on this matter? Of course! Is it worth it? Absolutely, for both him and you. The relationship will become more of a partnership in parenting and fun and you will be less resentful and hurt leaving room to create a loving and healthy bond that your partner will appreciate. 

It can be very intimidating and challenging to establish boundaries where they have previously been lacking. Any time a line is drawn or a limit is set, you can absolutely expect resistance. Its new and uncomfortable for you and who or whatever you are setting a boundary with, but it is ultimately going to be the thing that brings you greater connection, meaning and purpose. 

If you need help setting boundaries, there are some great resources out there to give you guidance. A few of my favorite resources are anything by Dr. Alison Cook, Nedra Glover Tawwab, Dr. John Townsend, and Dr. Henry Cloud. You can hear them on various podcasts, find them on social media, visit their websites, and read their books.

Setting boundaries and maintaining boundaries is one of many ways we can take care of ourselves. For the one who is the family caregiver, boundaries can save your life. Please take care of yourself so that you can continue to care for the ones you love (in this season) without losing yourself for now and for future seasons. If it helps, you can picture me living my best life indoors while my sweet little baby puppy is outdoors in my fenced in backyard digging holes and living his best life.