Well meaning parents and caregivers often try to shield children from the experience of grief and loss and for good reason. Grief and loss are acutely painful experiences. However, regardless of our best efforts to shield these innocent hearts, children are intuitive and whether they can verbalize it or not they sense when something isn't right. Rather than leave their little minds to try and make sense of what's going on around them, I argue that parents and caregivers should invite children into the experience of loss and grief so that they can encounter it with a caring adult and guide at their side.
Here are a few ways I encourage parents and caregivers to approach children about issues related to grief and loss:
1- Be open and honest and keep in mind that honesty does not mean revealing every minute detail and aspect of the situation. Simply paint an overall picture of the situation and allow the child the freedom to ask question and seek more information on their own. Let them know that you are a safe place for them to come to when thoughts and feelings surface. Realize that children benefit from watching adults experience the entire range of human emotions, not just the happy and feel good emotions. If a child is only exposed to a select few emotions during their formative years, imagine how woefully unprepared they will be as adults.
2- Maintain a rhythm but loosen the rigidity of the routine. This allows the child the flexibility to opt out of activities at times when sadness is present. We want to help kids honor their bodies and emotions and not power through them. Emotions are meant to be experienced not avoided and kids don't need a rigid schedule dictating when they are allowed to be sad or mad. Same goes for adults. Don't continue "life as usual" when things are not "usual."
3- If you don't know how to explain death to a child look for outside resources. There are plenty of children's books out there that can give both the adult and child the language needed to facilitate these difficult but important conversations like this one or this one. Contact your child's school counselor if they have one and request direction and resources from them as well.
4- Assist the child in finding ways to connect with the object or person who is no longer in their life. Some children enjoy tangible items that remind them of their loved one like photos, stuffed animals, and drawings. Some children benefit from engaging in familiar activities and routines that they shared with their loved one or object. Other children do not want to maintain any of these things in their life not because their loved one wasn't special enough but because it keeps them connected to painful feelings and emotions rather than bringing them comfort. Caregivers tend to try and choose what a child needs and how a child reacts to a loss but adults would benefit from taking the position much like that of a bumper on a bowling lane, the bumper protects the ball from going in the gutter but it cannot force the ball to get a strike or go at a certain speed. Let kids process and connect on their own terms.
5- In unexpected loss, grieve it together. This is likely the child's first face-to-face experience with the reality of uncertainty and loss. Uncertainty can bring all sorts of anxieties. Some anxiety is good and helpful. Too much anxiety leads to impairment and unhelpful coping methods. As an adult, pay attention to how your child is processing the uncertainty, anxiety and grief resulting from an unexpected loss and seek professional help for your child and yourself when you are overwhelmed by it all. You don't have to navigate this alone.
6- More of a proactive strategy and recommendation for everyday life is to normalize grief and loss. Talk about it whenever the opportunity presents itself. Talk about it from an emotional perspective or personal experience. Talk about it from a biological and physiological perspective and include a spiritual perspective if you have one. The best resource for this is nature. It gives you all sorts of opportunities to discuss change and loss from everything to the changing of seasons to the life cycle of a butterfly. Life and loss are evident in so many ways and you can easily and non-threateningly bring these into everyday conversations with your child so that they come to know grief and loss as a normal and anticipated part of being human.
When we exclude and shield children from the experience of loss and grief we deny them the opportunity to gain experience in this area of being human. Some ways we might try to do this are sending them to other people's houses, involving them in extracurricular activities, filtering conversations and incoming information to only talk about "normal" or "happy" things instead of pressing topics of grief and loss that is at play within the home, family, or community. As I already mentioned, children are perceptive and intuitive. They sense instability and change from a mile away. If left to their own devices, and not yet fully developed reasoning skills, children might assume that they are the reason for the changes and internalize the shifting dynamics as "their fault." They can begin to feel isolated, left out and disconnected from secure and loving relationships because the adults in their life seem preoccupied.
Thanks to research like that of Brene' Brown we know that humans (children included) are wired for connection and a sense of belonging. In scenarios where their is secrecy, silence and judgement there is only disconnection. Yes, being vulnerable with children about topics of grief and loss, areas adults find themselves less than experts in, will be hard and it will hurt but it will allow the family or community unit to have a shared experience and process it together instead of in isolation. Connection is always better than isolation.
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