I'm so excited to share some beautiful words with you from one of my very talented co-workers. Shanae Cartwright, M. Div, is a hospice chaplain, co-pastor along with her husband, and founder of Triple B, a business that seeks to empower women in business. I have had the privilege of working alongside Shanae for the past three years. She is always a calming presence for our staff, patients, and families and speaks with confidence and grace to encourage and equip people for whatever challenge they are facing. Enjoy!
Recently, I was listening to Judy Garland's, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." The words of the song are so vivid and stirring, full of hope. Songs have a way of evoking emotions such as love, joy and even pain. You can be full of excitement and happy one moment and then reaching for a tissue to dry your eyes in the next. With some songs you even remember where you were, what the fashion of the day was, if you experienced a difficult breakup, or what president was in office.
I love music because its central to my culture and faith, and I am willing to dapple in various genres. I've learned that a good song has engaging lyrics, but often what hooks you is the refrain, the repeated lines in a song, typically at the end of each verse. For example, the words repeated in the refrain of Judy Garland's 1939 ballad are the same as the title, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow."
While completing my CPE units (Clinical Pastoral Education), in preparation for clinical chaplaincy, I learned to "listen for the refrain" of the various patients and families I encountered on my hospital units. There is often a part of a person's life story that they come back to again and again. It's a part of their song that highlights a fraction of their story from their perspective. When we listen with intent we hear the depth of their heart. Within their refrain a person can convey joy, regret, loss, pain, or hope.
This week I came across a brief exchange on social media of a concerned son asking how to talk to his father who is living with dementia. Once again, I was reminded of the power of "the refrain." The question was posed, "How do I answer my dad with dementia when he talks about his mom and dad being alive? Do I go along with it or tell him they have passed away?" The response from the psychologist/therapist was direct but encouraging. Below you can find the entire response to the question but I wanted to highlight one particular sentence from the psychologist.
Psychologist: "If he tells the same story over and over, appreciate it as if its music, and you keep coming back to the beautiful refrain."
Wow.
Here is the social media exchange below:
"Enter into his reality and enjoy it. He doesn't need to be "oriented." Thank God the days are gone when people with advanced dementia were tortured by huge calendars and reminder signs and loved ones were urged to "orient" them to some boring current "reality."
If dad spends most of his time in 1959, sit with him. Ask questions he didn't have time for before. Ask about people long dead, but alive to him. Learn. Celebrate your heritage. His parents are alive to him. Learn more about your grandparents. If he tells the same story over and over, appreciate it as if its music, and you keep coming back to the beautiful refrain.
This isn't "playing along to pacify the old guy." This is an opportunity to communicate and treasure memories real but out of time." (end of the social media exchange).
Although I had already been introduced to this concept, believe it or not it helped me as well because one of my family members has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It is sad to see my loved one lose their memory and I often find myself answering the same questions over again or hearing repetitive life accounts. But with patience and love, I learn to lean in, sit with them, and embrace "the beautiful refrain." There's something about the story they are sharing that is meaningful and paints a picture. By listening to the refrain I intentionally make a journey to travel to where they are in that moment and lean in to listen to the refrain.
Situations in life have a way of sobering us. I believe there is opportunity to hear music, listen to the song, and pay attention to the refrain.
To learn more about Shanae please visit her website.
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