Perhaps burnout has been a companion of yours for sometime now. You've actually gotten used to it and adjusted your life according to your limited reserves. You've surrendered to the burn so to speak. You no longer beat yourself up for not having enough energy for everyday tasks. You stopped saying yes to requests and activities because you knew that you would end up cancelling or being a no show anyways. Your friend group and support system has shrunk because in their efforts to be supportive of you they began to feel helpless and their efforts futile. You started your caregiving journey with zeal and conviction and purpose and passion but all that is gone now and you are alone, tired, and resigned to the idea that this is how its always going to be.
I frequently talk with people who find themselves in this place. I try and offer hope and encouragement and care and support but it often seems to evaporate into thin air. Its almost as if the person in this situation doesn't want to feel or hear about the possibility of change or improvement because to open themselves up to hope, and consequently the opportunity to lose it again, would be too painful. In a sense, this person is guarding their heart and this is one way to do it but I believe there is another, more fruitful way to guard your heart.
First, I think it would be helpful to define the word heart as I am using it here. I know this phrase from the Bible and I'm sure that this concept shows up in other religious texts as well. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Obviously, we are not talking about our flesh and blood, slimy beating heart located in the not-so-center area of our chest.
But what are we talking about when he refer to "heart" and not the anatomical one?
I interpret "the heart" as the intersection of our physical abilities and uniquely wired personality and characteristics, life experiences, and personal convictions and preferences all of which are encapsulated by this very elusive and yet foundational spiritual component. One might view this spiritual piece as connection to God or a higher power, connection to others or connection to nature among other things. There are many others out there who can define it more clearly and beautifully than I have done here, but I will leave some research for you to do on your own.
So how do we protect our "hearts" without going full on numb, disconnected, and rock solid?
Consider our President and Vice-President. They have body guards, security, and secret service. The goal of these groups is not to hide and cover up the President and VP rendering them useless and merely government placeholders. No, the reason for these protective groups is to guard and preserve their lives while giving them a safe and secure place to thrive and fulfill their purpose. Do you see the difference?
Here's how it might look in our non-presidential, yet still valuable lives:
-having a few select friends/family members who know when you are in need (because you have told them) and who also know specific ways they can support you (again, because you have told them)
***I see so many people cut themselves off from receiving help because they don't feel like they "should have" to tell others when they are hurting and in need. Others "should" just know and step in without asking. Nope! People need insight and direction. Don't withhold this from your family and friends. *The secret Service can't protect the President if they don't know what his plans are for the day. Hard truth: Don't be passive aggressive with your friends and family on Facebook or in text messages if you are less than thrilled with their responses. This only pushes them away further and isolates you more.
- having regular time set aside to pay attention and care for yourself (we don't want to be fully dependent on others for our own care), This could be something you do for five minutes, an hour, or one day a week. The important piece of this is that you schedule it and make it a non-negotiable.
- speaking and thinking with kindness and truthfulness to yourself about yourself and about others. I see many caregivers head down the road to isolation and an iron-clad heart because of their negative self-talk and negative few of others. While some of these negative thoughts and feelings are true and warranted, but they are NOT all 100% true 100% of the time. Often it is our interpretation of a situation that is the issue and not the situation itself. Pay attention to the language you are using. Pay attention to the ways your thoughts might be distorted (even slightly) as this can easily send you into paranoia, panic, or depression. *The president can have the best security team in the world and yet, if in his mind he is fixated on a belief that he is unsafe and overwhelmed with fearfulness, he will likely not thrive or fulfill his purpose.
- seeking professional help. Caregiving is generally an endurance sport not a 500 meter dash. Its a good idea to have a reliable, skilled and specialized professional in your life. *This is why the President doesn't go over to the local YMCA to recruit his security. Yes, the yoga instructor is amazing and sure can send you home with legs on fire, but she is not specifically trained and studied in the skills needed to protect a president. Warrior 1 sure looks and sounds good but we do not need to strengthen our core or lengthen our spine if the president is under attack.
Coming out of burnout and allowing your hardened heart to soften is not easy. It takes time, a tolerance for discomfort, and tender, loving care, but it is worth it. You were made to thrive and fulfill a great purpose with that soft and beautiful heart of yours.
*There is also the potential to wear our hearts on our sleeves and not provide any kind of protection and security. This is something I will explore in a follow up post.
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